live your life on purpose (part 2)

If you want to read part 1 of our story, head to this post.

 Did you think our story ended there? No way! The best was yet to come! Truth be told, our story will forever be growing and adapting. As with everything in this life, there will be good seasons and bad seasons. What you choose to take and learn from those times has the potential to change your life forever. Choose with meaning and carefulness. Do every little thing you do on purpose.

When I left you in part 1, I had three young children and I was alone, struggling and searching. My faith was tattered and fragile. I was working full time at Old Navy. A friendship began with a co-worker. He was somewhat quiet, polite and respectful. Our circle of friends spent a lot of hours together. Over time, he and I started noticing one another in a new way. An exciting way. We talked about everything. We were very similar, and yet not. Eventually, he met L, M and M. We all fell in love. Aaron and I were married March 18, 2006. Luke was 5, Madison was 4 and Micah was 2. Three months later we were pregnant! Brady James was welcomed with ten open arms to our family on March 2, 2007. It was a very special time in our lives.

Here we are five years later. Luke is 11, Madison is 10, Micah is 8 and Brady is 5. Aaron and I recently celebrated 6 years of marriage. I have learned so much from my husband and our children. My faith has gained much strength through the joy of my family. I want to live my life as a testament to God's love and forgiveness. I want the grace of God to shine through me. Not so people can see me and my works. Rather that others may see God and his works.

I am not at all proclaiming that I am perfect. But I am a perfect example of a woman who has sinned and felt the consequences deep in my soul for a long time. Once I knew I had already been forgiven by my heavenly Father, because of the debt he paid on the cross, I could start to live my life on purpose.



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part of a plan

Are you a planner? Do you keep a calendar filled with color coded phrases on any given day to represent where you will be and what you will be doing? Me too, sort of. I have to. With four children and a husband I need some sense of a plan. Writing things down for me is essential in my world. I am a lover of to do lists. And what joy I get from checking off a task from my to-do list. Feels goooood!

I have a calendar for my own family to keep track of school and church activities, appointments, birthdays and anything else I want to remember. At the same time though, I enjoy spontaneity. Especially when it involves our family. It pretty much comes with the territory of having four children. They themselves are spontaneous, emotional and playful.

Now more than ever before, I often think about the plan for my life. I know I sure don't have it mapped out. But I am confident in the fact that God does. He has a plan. For all of us. He knows every move we make, even before we make it. Not to say that knowing God knows the map for my life makes it any easier to make decisions on my own. No way. In fact, it sometimes makes it more difficult to know what is the right thing to do. What does He want me to do. I mean, in every situation we have a choice. Knowing the choice that God wants us to choose and what is right for our family isn't always plain as day. For example my husband and I have been contemplating taking our three school out of traditional school and start homeschooling them. This would be huge for our family! What a leap of faith! I never in a bazillion years thought I would be considering this for our children. But, nonetheless, it has been heavy on my heart and I needed to pursue researching and praying about it. Is homeschooling in our future? Is it part of our family's plan? How do I know if it is the right schooling for our children? Am I beating a dead horse with all the research and talking to families in our area who already homeschool?

I believe God had a plan for my brother's life. And his death. It continues to be a shock that Martin is dead. It is so final. At least for his life here on this earth. God knew exactly how long Martin would be on this earth. He knew what the events would consist of leading up to Martin's car accident. We were blessed with precious memories and unforgettable photographs.

For those of us aching and longing for one more day with Martin, we must turn to the notion that Martin is safely in the arms of Jesus Christ. And that is exactly where he is supposed to be. For this was the plan for him all along. For me, when I get terribly sad and feel as if nothing will ever be right again, I call out to God for a sign. A sign of His divine plan for my brother and our family. I need that comfort to get out of the depths of despair and go on.

I have moments of doubt and hopelessness. I often think it's just not fair and question God's decision to take Martin. I cry. I feel very alone. I miss him.

Nonetheless, life goes on. Even though my life, as I knew it, came to a screeching halt nearly eight months ago, I must pick myself up and continue on. I have responsibilities to attend to and people who depend on me. I've got to stay focused in my planning for our family and His plan for my own life. I will cling to my faith and my family. I will keep my nose in the Scriptures and my eye's and heart upon Him. I will seek Him first and know that He is the ultimate Planner and I am part of His ultimate plan!

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clinging to my faith

As many of you know, my little brother died tragically in a car accident April 9, 2010. He was 16. It has been, and continues to be, a difficult time for our family. We have cried. We have called out to God in agony. We have been silenced by our affliction. We look to each other for support. We look to God for answers.

People grieve in their own way. People grieve in their own time. My grieving journey looks different than my mothers. My mother's journey looks different from my fathers. My kids have their own journey they are on.  It is a process. There are days of sadness. There are days of silence. There are moments of anger and anguish that drop you to your knees. There are times that an emotion comes out of nowhere and hits you like a ton of bricks. You could be anywhere. In your car, washing dishes, at church, at a birthday party, sitting on the couch reading to your daughter. It doesn't matter. Grief will find you.

In the little reading I have done on grief, it has been said that so many who lose loved ones become angry at God and sometimes even walk away from their faith. I totally get that. As I said, people's grieving journeys are different. Like a snowflake, no two are the same. And I am certainly no expert on grieving. I only know my own journey and emotional battles.

For me, clinging to my faith is a necessity right now. It is my comfort blanket. I need it to survive, to move from day to day. I have always had my faith but never needed it to consume me as I do now. Right after Martin's death, I remember thinking what it would be like going through this if I didn't have my faith in Jesus Christ and heaven. It paralyzes me to think that there are people who lose a loved one and don't believe they will see them again in heaven. How could you go on? How could you heal from that hurt? I don't think it would be possible for me. I know that Martin is in heaven!(okay, here come the tears!) I know that he sits with Jesus! I know I will see him and hug him and laugh with him again! I know that if I didn't believe in life after death with Jesus Christ then I would have surely crumbled by now. I would not be able to get out of bed each morning.   

Just because I believe I will see Martin again, doesn't make time here on this earth without him easy all the time. I miss him. I miss his smile and his laugh. I miss the way he said "Jess". He was the only one who called me that. I miss seeing him clean the kitchen. I miss the debates and the family game nights. I am heart broken that we won't be taking him to college or seeing him get his first job. I will miss not be able to give him girl advice or help plan his wedding with his fiance. I would really like to hear his thoughts on the oil spill as well! I am sure he has given an earful to God!

There are times that I question God and His reason for taking Martin from us. I am never satisfied with an answer. His name, Martin Samuel, means "Mighty Warrior asked of God". God must have something far greater for Martin to do than this earth could ever warrant. I am comforted by this thought over and over again. I am clinging to my faith for as long as it takes to see Martin again.  

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seeking signs

I have been struggling the past few days. Mostly with Martin's death, but other things are weighing heavy as well. For those of you that do not know, my little brother, Martin, was killed tragically in a car accident April 9, 2010. He was 16. Our family has been ripped to shreds. Our hearts beaten and broken. Our spirits shaken. We cling to the Truth, for without our faith in Jesus Christ, we would have surely crumbled and withered away by now.

I think about Martin a lot. I look up to the sky and wonder what he is doing. Can he see me? Is he talking to God at this very moment? I seek signs that Martin is in fact in heaven. Yes, sometimes I have doubts. My mind plays tricks on me. Satan enters and tries to lure me to the dark side. But there is no place for me there. My place is secure right here, digging through the truth and following the Light. I know where Martin is. But I am human. And those human thoughts and doubts chill me to the bone.

I have been crying  a lot. I went to church Sunday by myself and cried. I felt my warm tears move down my cheeks. My heart sank as I wept for many losses in my life. Some gone forever. Others I hope to find and make anew.  

Time. It is a funny thing. Unmoving. It is something Martin doesn't have to worry about any longer. Lucky! Martino, if you are listening, I love you and hope to play Apples to Apples with you again one day soon!

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lost, but not gone

Have you ever lost someone you cared deeply for? Perhaps you even loved that person. Does your heart ache from the absence of them? At times, do you shake your head in disbelief thinking how could this have happened?

There are different ways in which we lose loved ones. We may lose them by death, divorce, losing contact over miles or time apart, feelings fade, people change. In every instance there is heartache, pain, yearning, doubt, disbelief, anger.....I could go on and on.

My 16 year old brother died tragically in a car accident April 9, 2010. He was driving home by himself from the beach, veered into the oncoming traffic's lane, and crashed into an 18-wheeler. Even now, telling you all this, it somehow doesn't seem real. How could this have happened to MY brother and OUR family? We later learned that my brother suffered a head injury earlier in the day and lost consciousness while driving. I can only imagine what he was feeling. How scared he must have been. Did he know he was veering in the wrong lane? Was his head hurting or did he lose eyesight? Was he praying to God to just let him make it home? Was he calling for his Mom and Dad? These questions will not be answered until I see Martin in Heaven. Then it will not even matter.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about Martin, his accident, his funeral, my Father's voice when he told me Martin died, my Mother's agony when she saw Martin lying in his casket, the sadness in his friend's eyes as they mourned the loss of their cherished friend. And then there are all the if only scenarios running through my head. If only I could see him one more time, I could squeeze his neck and tell him how much I love him and how great of an Unlce he is to Luke, Madison, Micah and Brady and how much I admire his self-disciplineness, independence, and desire to please. If only...

I have seen how precious life is and how quickly it can be stripped from you. It is out of our control! Death can knock on your door at any time and take you or someone you love. And then what? There is no bringing that person back. They are gone.

You yourself may have had someone dear to you die and be feeling a lot of the same emotions that I am. You may be grieving for the loss of your brother as well, or your mother or father, or husband, sister or best friend. Or maybe you are grieving for loss that happened because of a divorce, or grown apart because of distance or time, or your boyfriend told you he doesn't love you anymore. Your loss is felt just as much as my own loss. But I will tell you this. Your loss is different. Your loss may not be gone. You still have the chance to have that person in your life. To reconcile with your wife or husband, to call your grown child on the phone and tell them how much you miss them, or that you are sorry and ask for forgiveness, or even to forgive. By this I mean that if you are hurting and have lost someone or even let someone go for whatever reasons, don't let selfishness, pride, deceit, sin, lust, sex, work, spite, lies or any other harmful feeling get in the way of getting that person back in your life. Those struggling in their marriages, or if you have lost contact with a parent, or let a lifelong friend slip away, life is too short and too unpredictable to let such things happen. Take it from me, who can never have my brother back in my life while on this earth. Life is too precious to hold such harmful feelings in your heart. It only hurts you in the long run. Remember your vows, remember your children, remember your God and what He asks of you. Remember what the Bible says. 

Don't waste time and words unsaid. Let your pride go and let your heart soar! Come on, just try it!

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him and Him

Three weeks ago today my little brother, Martin Samuel Farrell, was killed in a car accident.

Yesterday was the first day I didn't cry.

This time three weeks ago Martin was alive.

Martin was sixteen years old.

Martin now sits with his Heavenly Father.

Martin is now like Him.

For those of you living in or around South Alabama, you probably heard about the accident on the news. There was a lot of coverage for days after the accident. Martin touched many people's lives and will continue to do so from heaven above.

If you want to know more about my brother feel free to visit the facebook page created for him, R.I.P Martin Farrell. Of course I will continue to talk about him and how blessed we were to have him in our lives for sixteen years.

The journey ahead is going to be hard. Missing Martin. Wanting to see his face again and hug his neck. Our faith will get us through. Our faith is our light in this time of darkness.

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