weepy is me

Boy have I been weepy lately. For about the past week I have weeped every day. I'm talking crocodile tears and deep breaths of pure sadness, fear and hurt.

Yesterday I was driving home by myself from the grocery store and started weeping. I was thinking about my brother mostly. I was going over in my head all the events in life I am going to miss not sharing with him. Him graduating high school and then choosing a college to attend. His first girlfriend. Tennis matches and spring break vacations. His first job. Meeting the girl of his dreams and help planning their wedding. Oh how I ache when I think about all that I am going to miss. I miss him.

And then, as I was driving and weeping, the most amazing thing happened. In between tears, I looked up at the sky to my left and there it was. The most beautiful and vivid rainbow I have ever seen. My heart was shaken! I knew at that very moment Martin was looking down on me, comforting me. He was with me, as he always is. In my heart.

I was also reminded of God's promise and love. He is such a good God! He will never forsake me. He will never give me more than I can handle. Martin is in good hands.

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seeking signs

I have been struggling the past few days. Mostly with Martin's death, but other things are weighing heavy as well. For those of you that do not know, my little brother, Martin, was killed tragically in a car accident April 9, 2010. He was 16. Our family has been ripped to shreds. Our hearts beaten and broken. Our spirits shaken. We cling to the Truth, for without our faith in Jesus Christ, we would have surely crumbled and withered away by now.

I think about Martin a lot. I look up to the sky and wonder what he is doing. Can he see me? Is he talking to God at this very moment? I seek signs that Martin is in fact in heaven. Yes, sometimes I have doubts. My mind plays tricks on me. Satan enters and tries to lure me to the dark side. But there is no place for me there. My place is secure right here, digging through the truth and following the Light. I know where Martin is. But I am human. And those human thoughts and doubts chill me to the bone.

I have been crying  a lot. I went to church Sunday by myself and cried. I felt my warm tears move down my cheeks. My heart sank as I wept for many losses in my life. Some gone forever. Others I hope to find and make anew.  

Time. It is a funny thing. Unmoving. It is something Martin doesn't have to worry about any longer. Lucky! Martino, if you are listening, I love you and hope to play Apples to Apples with you again one day soon!

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Hmmm

What does this look like to you?

In other news....

.....My husband took this picture of the sky the other night.

Beautiful! Marvelous!

Looking at this sky, I know my Brother is watching over me.

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good grief

Grief.

What a powerful state to be in.

It can consume you. It can scare you. It can bring you to your knees. It can clog your mind with memories and stories. It can weigh you down like a ton of bricks. It can lift you high above the clouds.

I am grieving for my brother. I find myself confused at times, thinking perhaps I made this all up in my head. Maybe Martin didn't die. And for a brief moment life seems good again. That quickly fades away though. You never think tragedy is going to happen to you. You have compassion for those tragedy has hit, but there is absolutely no way of putting yourself in their situation. It is indescribeable. It is unmeasurable. It is soul stripping. It is heart-breaking and gut-wrenching. I have never known pain like this. I have never known loss like this. I can't listen to music other than the Christian radio station. For anyone who knows me you know how big of a part music plays in my life. I love listening to music and blasting the radio in the car with the kids. I can't even do that. Music doesn't even sound the same anymore. Maybe listening to Christian music brings me closer to Martin. Maybe God is trying to tell me something.

I certainly have been listening to God lately. And talking to Him. I want to know that Martin is with Him. I want to be sure that Martin is safe and happy. I want to talk to Martin and have him talk back to me. I want to hear his voice one more time, over and over again. I want to see him smile and watch him take pleasure in cleaning the kitchen for my Mom. I want to listen to Martin and Luke play Backyard Baseball in the lounge.

Oh, Martin. I miss you so much. Everyone does. What are you doing up there?

I suppose talking to Martin is part of the grieving process. Right? One day at a time. More like one moment at a time. Like a light switch my emotion changes from sad to happy to angry to helpless so quickly and usually very unexpectedly. What a toll it has on taken on my body. Grief and stress go hand in hand. They are using my body both physically and emotionally as a punching bag. At least, that's how I feel.

Despite all of this. Despite the extreme hurt and broken heart I have, I know in my heart God is carrying me. He will make it possible to see the light. He will make it possible to survive the black night and wake up in the morning. He will make it possible to see the joy. That comforts me. I may not be ready to see it right now, but He will wait for me. He will be ready to set me down when I am ready. When I am strong enough, He will provide the light and the joy.      

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him and Him

Three weeks ago today my little brother, Martin Samuel Farrell, was killed in a car accident.

Yesterday was the first day I didn't cry.

This time three weeks ago Martin was alive.

Martin was sixteen years old.

Martin now sits with his Heavenly Father.

Martin is now like Him.

For those of you living in or around South Alabama, you probably heard about the accident on the news. There was a lot of coverage for days after the accident. Martin touched many people's lives and will continue to do so from heaven above.

If you want to know more about my brother feel free to visit the facebook page created for him, R.I.P Martin Farrell. Of course I will continue to talk about him and how blessed we were to have him in our lives for sixteen years.

The journey ahead is going to be hard. Missing Martin. Wanting to see his face again and hug his neck. Our faith will get us through. Our faith is our light in this time of darkness.

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Martin Farrell

Updated:

CORRECTION - I stated that the name Martin means 'mighty warrior asked of God.' The name Martin actually means 'mighty warrior' and the name Samuel means 'asked of God.' So Martin Samuel means 'mighty warrior asked of God.' I'm glad we got that straight.

original post: 

I haven't been able to blog about it. I haven't been able to Tweet about it. I figure maybe now is the time to start trying. Maybe it will help. Maybe it won't. It's not that I don't think about writing or even really want to sit down and write. I honestly am not sure how to write about it or what to write about it. And would anyone want to hear? My thoughts are scattered and I have a hard time staying focused even today. Stay with me...

I just looked at my last post to see how long it had been since I blogged. Ironically enough, my last post is dated April 9. It was a Friday. It will be three weeks tomorrow. My little brother, Martin Samuel Farrell, was killed in a car accident Friday, April 9. He was only 16 years old. I still cry everyday. Most days I weep from the pain and loss and helplessness. My energy is low and my nerves are high.

I spoke at Martin's funeral. I felt like I needed to. I felt I had to. For myself, for my Mom and Dad, for my husband and four children and for Martin. Here is what I said.

Keep our family in your prayers as we face this tragic time. It came so abruptly. So forcefully. Our hearts are broken and our normal has been twisted and shredded.

I know in my heart Martin is sitting with Jesus. I know in my heart Martin is home. I know in my heart I will see Martin again. 

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