I can only imagine

As a child, my mom and dad told me that if you have Jesus as your Saviour, when you die you will go to heaven. He will be there to welcome you to his kingdom. I believed it then, and I still believe it. I wondered at times what heaven would look like and what I could do there. I wondered what Jesus looked like. But it was never something I thought a lot about.

Until April 9, 2010. The day my 16 year old brother died in a car accident.

Almost instantly, my thoughts and questions of heaven surfaced and I had to find answers. I cried out to God, even to Martin. I needed to know that Martin was for sure there, in heaven, and he was okay. I needed to know what he was doing and if he could see me. I needed to see him smile. (Now I actually have an image of Martin in my head of his face and he has the biggest smile. I am so thankful for that.) I reached for the Bible first, but it was too much to undertake. I was searching for very straight forward, juvenile like answers about heaven. I was so thirsty for knowledge and to know more about where my brother was going to be from now on. 

I can"t remember how I got the book, maybe my mom(more than likely) got it for us. I read Heaven is for Real and my mind and my heart were slowly but at ease.

It is about a young boy's trip to heaven and back. It is precious and simple. The words describing heaven came alive and helped me get a mental picture of heaven. It was exactly what I longed for during this difficult time. I wanted to be able to picture my brother in heaven and see him in all his glory with Jesus and the angels. I wanted to know if he would grow older and if his allergies would still bother him. I wanted to know who he would hang out with and what would they do. I wanted to know that he was okay. After reading this book and talking to friends and family, my doubts and worries turned in to delight and peace.

So now when I imagine entering the gates of heaven I see my brother waiting  for me with arms outstretched smiling. Sometimes I find myself more excited, in a sense, to see my brother in heaven than Jesus. Is that terrible to feel? I want to spend eternity with both Martin and Jesus but seeing my brother again puts a smile on my face.

I know my time will come. In His time. I will see Martin again. And we will both be smiling.

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one more

I have been thinking about my brother a lot lately. More than usual. I think about him everyday since he died April 9, 2010. But the past weeks have been, just, different. My memories are more vivid. My pain has resurfaced itself. The longing to see his smile, hear his laugh, and hug his neck is unbearable at times. I hate to think about all the talks we won't be having about stuff like friends, girls and where he would be going to college. It's just not fair!

What would have been? How would our lives be different with him still here?

Luke has been sharing memories about what he and Martin did together. I know Luke misses him very much.

One more day. One more 'I love you'. One more game of Apples to Apples. Just a moment. To see his face. To know. To not hurt anymore. These are the things I truly want for Christmas.  

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teenagers get a bad rap

I remember after my brother's fatal car accident in April 2010, the story was quickly online for all to read. The morning after my father told me the devastating news that my 16 year old brother had died in a car accident, people began to speculate what had happened. To this day, more than a year after the accident, we do not know exactly what happened to cause this accident that took my brother's life. But that didn't stop complete strangers from voicing their stabs and jabs to the online article appearing less than 24 hours after the accident.

I woke up the morning after only to read thoughts like these:

"check for cell phone"
"most likely texting or cell phone"
"...But I can say that, as of late, the vast majority of similar accidents have been caused by 1) alcohol and/or 2) cellphone/texting. Since alcohol was not a factor, that leaves the later.
Not to mention, the loss of his life could serve as a strong example to others not to replicate or condone such behavior."

I was enraged! I wanted to find these people and shake them. Oh how I wanted to give them a piece of my mind! Do they not realize that family and friends are going to be reading the article and comments? How can people be so inconsiderate?

It seems to me that a lot of times teenagers get a bad rap. Their attitudes stink, they are selfish and shallow, ALL teenagers text and drive, ALL teenagers drink and drive.....the list goes on. And I am sure there are teenagers (and adults) who are guilty of one or all of the above. I am also certain that there are plenty of teenagers who more often than not are smart, level headed, good decision making, helpful and giving community do-gooders. My brother was one of them.

I can't tell you that Martin  NEVER texted or talked on his cell phone while driving. That he NEVER made a stupid choice. That he NEVER acted irrationally or selfishly. But who of us, teenager or adult, can answer NEVER to any one of the above? I can not.

What I can tell you is this. Martin was incredibly intelligent. He helped our Mom clean the kitchen on a regular basis. He kept his room organized and spotless. He was thoughtful and giving to his friends. He was independent. He lived a simple life. He liked to play tennis. He listened and absorbed what his Mom and Dad had to say, even if it didn't seem like it at the time.

And his large circle of friends? I have never been more impressed by a group of teenagers. How they came together after their friend died and supported one another and our family. Their thoughtfulness and generosity were comforting. Their love of Martin and actions and reactions after his death were humbling. They held memorials at the beach. They organized bracelets to be made and sold them to raise money to purchase a grand piano in honor of Martin. They came to visit my parents. They dedicated the yearbook to him. They live their lives differently now and took to heart the impact that another person had on their lives. Now that is pretty great, I think!      

I can also tell you this. It was confirmed that Martin was NOT on his cell phone at the time of his accident. We found out that he had endured a head injury earlier that day and more than likely lost consciousness while driving. You can read an article about Martin by clicking on the link below.

 http://blog.al.com/live/2010/04/fairhope_teen_could_have_done.html

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fifteen days

We are approaching the one year mark or one year anniversary or whatever you are suppose to call it, of Martin's death. I am in disbelief that it has been a year. I am in disbelief that he is gone. I am in disbelief that the world around me can go on normal and some days it feels like I am not moving at all. Time goes by way too fast. Time. Lost time. Wasted time.  Happy times. Sad times. Oh that word. Time. A pierce in my side.

My anxiety levels are high these days. Senses are heightened. I have no idea what to expect the days leading to April 9th. All I know is what I feel right now and how I felt the days after Martin's accident. Will I feel the same as I did then? It's crazy because we had no idea that Martin was going to die that day. We carried on that day like we were going to see him again. And of course he carried on that day like he was going to see tomorrow. All it took was a few seconds for it all to change. It is so hard to even express in written word my thoughts. Try to stay with me.

So now we are living our new normal. None of us are used to it or even good at it really.

I can't stop or even slow down April 9th from coming. I don't know how I will feel or what we will do that day. I wish I could control my emotions and the thoughts swimming around in my head. But that ain't gonna happen. There is no way to be prepared or brase myself...is there?

I didn't think so.

 

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I miss Martin

I miss my brother, Martin. I miss his smile. His laugh. The way he walked and the sound of his voice saying my name. I miss seeing him clean the kitchen after a huge meal was had. I miss playing Apples to Apples with him. I miss him fighting with his niece and nephews. I miss him playing and teaching his niece and nephews. I miss his argumentative spirit. I miss seeing him talk to my Mom and Dad. I miss hearing my Mom tell me he is out with his friends. I miss seeing him at church and watching him sneak out early. I miss him eating frozen pizza. I miss knowing that he is right down the street and I can go see him anytime I want to. I miss him.......

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weepy is me

Boy have I been weepy lately. For about the past week I have weeped every day. I'm talking crocodile tears and deep breaths of pure sadness, fear and hurt.

Yesterday I was driving home by myself from the grocery store and started weeping. I was thinking about my brother mostly. I was going over in my head all the events in life I am going to miss not sharing with him. Him graduating high school and then choosing a college to attend. His first girlfriend. Tennis matches and spring break vacations. His first job. Meeting the girl of his dreams and help planning their wedding. Oh how I ache when I think about all that I am going to miss. I miss him.

And then, as I was driving and weeping, the most amazing thing happened. In between tears, I looked up at the sky to my left and there it was. The most beautiful and vivid rainbow I have ever seen. My heart was shaken! I knew at that very moment Martin was looking down on me, comforting me. He was with me, as he always is. In my heart.

I was also reminded of God's promise and love. He is such a good God! He will never forsake me. He will never give me more than I can handle. Martin is in good hands.

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Always Remembered, Martin

Soon after my brother's death, a few of the service groups at his school made these wristbands. They read 'Always Remembered, Martin.' My parents and I were so very proud and humbled from the amazing act of honoring our Martin. The support Bayside Academy has shown our entire family has been astonishing. Martin's friends and classmates, the faculty and staff, and head master have shown such compassion. We have been incredibly impressed with his group of friends. These young men and women pulled together during such a tragic time and gave support, strength, and understanding where needed. Martin was blessed. 

Martin's friends were equally blessed to have known him.

   

His memory will live on through the lives of those that knew him best. His memory is forever stained on our hearts.

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clinging to my faith

As many of you know, my little brother died tragically in a car accident April 9, 2010. He was 16. It has been, and continues to be, a difficult time for our family. We have cried. We have called out to God in agony. We have been silenced by our affliction. We look to each other for support. We look to God for answers.

People grieve in their own way. People grieve in their own time. My grieving journey looks different than my mothers. My mother's journey looks different from my fathers. My kids have their own journey they are on.  It is a process. There are days of sadness. There are days of silence. There are moments of anger and anguish that drop you to your knees. There are times that an emotion comes out of nowhere and hits you like a ton of bricks. You could be anywhere. In your car, washing dishes, at church, at a birthday party, sitting on the couch reading to your daughter. It doesn't matter. Grief will find you.

In the little reading I have done on grief, it has been said that so many who lose loved ones become angry at God and sometimes even walk away from their faith. I totally get that. As I said, people's grieving journeys are different. Like a snowflake, no two are the same. And I am certainly no expert on grieving. I only know my own journey and emotional battles.

For me, clinging to my faith is a necessity right now. It is my comfort blanket. I need it to survive, to move from day to day. I have always had my faith but never needed it to consume me as I do now. Right after Martin's death, I remember thinking what it would be like going through this if I didn't have my faith in Jesus Christ and heaven. It paralyzes me to think that there are people who lose a loved one and don't believe they will see them again in heaven. How could you go on? How could you heal from that hurt? I don't think it would be possible for me. I know that Martin is in heaven!(okay, here come the tears!) I know that he sits with Jesus! I know I will see him and hug him and laugh with him again! I know that if I didn't believe in life after death with Jesus Christ then I would have surely crumbled by now. I would not be able to get out of bed each morning.   

Just because I believe I will see Martin again, doesn't make time here on this earth without him easy all the time. I miss him. I miss his smile and his laugh. I miss the way he said "Jess". He was the only one who called me that. I miss seeing him clean the kitchen. I miss the debates and the family game nights. I am heart broken that we won't be taking him to college or seeing him get his first job. I will miss not be able to give him girl advice or help plan his wedding with his fiance. I would really like to hear his thoughts on the oil spill as well! I am sure he has given an earful to God!

There are times that I question God and His reason for taking Martin from us. I am never satisfied with an answer. His name, Martin Samuel, means "Mighty Warrior asked of God". God must have something far greater for Martin to do than this earth could ever warrant. I am comforted by this thought over and over again. I am clinging to my faith for as long as it takes to see Martin again.  

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seeking signs

I have been struggling the past few days. Mostly with Martin's death, but other things are weighing heavy as well. For those of you that do not know, my little brother, Martin, was killed tragically in a car accident April 9, 2010. He was 16. Our family has been ripped to shreds. Our hearts beaten and broken. Our spirits shaken. We cling to the Truth, for without our faith in Jesus Christ, we would have surely crumbled and withered away by now.

I think about Martin a lot. I look up to the sky and wonder what he is doing. Can he see me? Is he talking to God at this very moment? I seek signs that Martin is in fact in heaven. Yes, sometimes I have doubts. My mind plays tricks on me. Satan enters and tries to lure me to the dark side. But there is no place for me there. My place is secure right here, digging through the truth and following the Light. I know where Martin is. But I am human. And those human thoughts and doubts chill me to the bone.

I have been crying  a lot. I went to church Sunday by myself and cried. I felt my warm tears move down my cheeks. My heart sank as I wept for many losses in my life. Some gone forever. Others I hope to find and make anew.  

Time. It is a funny thing. Unmoving. It is something Martin doesn't have to worry about any longer. Lucky! Martino, if you are listening, I love you and hope to play Apples to Apples with you again one day soon!

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Hmmm

What does this look like to you?

In other news....

.....My husband took this picture of the sky the other night.

Beautiful! Marvelous!

Looking at this sky, I know my Brother is watching over me.

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my brother's memorial

For those of you who don't know, My brother was killed in a car accident April 9. He was sixteen years old. It continues to be a difficult journey for our family. Emotions are running high. His friend's have been amazing as they have rallied together and supported each other as they too mourn their loss.

A week or so after Martin's tragic death, some of his friends got together and created a driftwood memorial for him. My husband and I were there with our four children. My parents were there. It was such an awesome process to watch and be a part of. These teenagers have such class and truly are givers of their love, time, and hearts. I am so very grateful that my brother was surrounded by this group of kids and all of his friends. He was truly blessed.

What an AWESOME creation by an EXTRAORDINARY group of young men and women!

 

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good grief

Grief.

What a powerful state to be in.

It can consume you. It can scare you. It can bring you to your knees. It can clog your mind with memories and stories. It can weigh you down like a ton of bricks. It can lift you high above the clouds.

I am grieving for my brother. I find myself confused at times, thinking perhaps I made this all up in my head. Maybe Martin didn't die. And for a brief moment life seems good again. That quickly fades away though. You never think tragedy is going to happen to you. You have compassion for those tragedy has hit, but there is absolutely no way of putting yourself in their situation. It is indescribeable. It is unmeasurable. It is soul stripping. It is heart-breaking and gut-wrenching. I have never known pain like this. I have never known loss like this. I can't listen to music other than the Christian radio station. For anyone who knows me you know how big of a part music plays in my life. I love listening to music and blasting the radio in the car with the kids. I can't even do that. Music doesn't even sound the same anymore. Maybe listening to Christian music brings me closer to Martin. Maybe God is trying to tell me something.

I certainly have been listening to God lately. And talking to Him. I want to know that Martin is with Him. I want to be sure that Martin is safe and happy. I want to talk to Martin and have him talk back to me. I want to hear his voice one more time, over and over again. I want to see him smile and watch him take pleasure in cleaning the kitchen for my Mom. I want to listen to Martin and Luke play Backyard Baseball in the lounge.

Oh, Martin. I miss you so much. Everyone does. What are you doing up there?

I suppose talking to Martin is part of the grieving process. Right? One day at a time. More like one moment at a time. Like a light switch my emotion changes from sad to happy to angry to helpless so quickly and usually very unexpectedly. What a toll it has on taken on my body. Grief and stress go hand in hand. They are using my body both physically and emotionally as a punching bag. At least, that's how I feel.

Despite all of this. Despite the extreme hurt and broken heart I have, I know in my heart God is carrying me. He will make it possible to see the light. He will make it possible to survive the black night and wake up in the morning. He will make it possible to see the joy. That comforts me. I may not be ready to see it right now, but He will wait for me. He will be ready to set me down when I am ready. When I am strong enough, He will provide the light and the joy.      

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him and Him

Three weeks ago today my little brother, Martin Samuel Farrell, was killed in a car accident.

Yesterday was the first day I didn't cry.

This time three weeks ago Martin was alive.

Martin was sixteen years old.

Martin now sits with his Heavenly Father.

Martin is now like Him.

For those of you living in or around South Alabama, you probably heard about the accident on the news. There was a lot of coverage for days after the accident. Martin touched many people's lives and will continue to do so from heaven above.

If you want to know more about my brother feel free to visit the facebook page created for him, R.I.P Martin Farrell. Of course I will continue to talk about him and how blessed we were to have him in our lives for sixteen years.

The journey ahead is going to be hard. Missing Martin. Wanting to see his face again and hug his neck. Our faith will get us through. Our faith is our light in this time of darkness.

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Martin Farrell

Updated:

CORRECTION - I stated that the name Martin means 'mighty warrior asked of God.' The name Martin actually means 'mighty warrior' and the name Samuel means 'asked of God.' So Martin Samuel means 'mighty warrior asked of God.' I'm glad we got that straight.

original post: 

I haven't been able to blog about it. I haven't been able to Tweet about it. I figure maybe now is the time to start trying. Maybe it will help. Maybe it won't. It's not that I don't think about writing or even really want to sit down and write. I honestly am not sure how to write about it or what to write about it. And would anyone want to hear? My thoughts are scattered and I have a hard time staying focused even today. Stay with me...

I just looked at my last post to see how long it had been since I blogged. Ironically enough, my last post is dated April 9. It was a Friday. It will be three weeks tomorrow. My little brother, Martin Samuel Farrell, was killed in a car accident Friday, April 9. He was only 16 years old. I still cry everyday. Most days I weep from the pain and loss and helplessness. My energy is low and my nerves are high.

I spoke at Martin's funeral. I felt like I needed to. I felt I had to. For myself, for my Mom and Dad, for my husband and four children and for Martin. Here is what I said.

Keep our family in your prayers as we face this tragic time. It came so abruptly. So forcefully. Our hearts are broken and our normal has been twisted and shredded.

I know in my heart Martin is sitting with Jesus. I know in my heart Martin is home. I know in my heart I will see Martin again. 

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