Showing posts with label grieving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grieving. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I miss Martin
I miss my brother, Martin. I miss his smile. His laugh. The way he walked and the sound of his voice saying my name. I miss seeing him clean the kitchen after a huge meal was had. I miss playing Apples to Apples with him. I miss him fighting with his niece and nephews. I miss him playing and teaching his niece and nephews. I miss his argumentative spirit. I miss seeing him talk to my Mom and Dad. I miss hearing my Mom tell me he is out with his friends. I miss seeing him at church and watching him sneak out early. I miss him eating frozen pizza. I miss knowing that he is right down the street and I can go see him anytime I want to. I miss him.......
Friday, August 20, 2010
clinging to my faith
As many of you know, my little brother died tragically in a car accident April 9, 2010. He was 16. It has been, and continues to be, a difficult time for our family. We have cried. We have called out to God in agony. We have been silenced by our affliction. We look to each other for support. We look to God for answers.
People grieve in their own way. People grieve in their own time. My grieving journey looks different than my mothers. My mother's journey looks different from my fathers. My kids have their own journey they are on. It is a process. There are days of sadness. There are days of silence. There are moments of anger and anguish that drop you to your knees. There are times that an emotion comes out of nowhere and hits you like a ton of bricks. You could be anywhere. In your car, washing dishes, at church, at a birthday party, sitting on the couch reading to your daughter. It doesn't matter. Grief will find you.
In the little reading I have done on grief, it has been said that so many who lose loved ones become angry at God and sometimes even walk away from their faith. I totally get that. As I said, people's grieving journeys are different. Like a snowflake, no two are the same. And I am certainly no expert on grieving. I only know my own journey and emotional battles.
For me, clinging to my faith is a necessity right now. It is my comfort blanket. I need it to survive, to move from day to day. I have always had my faith but never needed it to consume me as I do now. Right after Martin's death, I remember thinking what it would be like going through this if I didn't have my faith in Jesus Christ and heaven. It paralyzes me to think that there are people who lose a loved one and don't believe they will see them again in heaven. How could you go on? How could you heal from that hurt? I don't think it would be possible for me. I know that Martin is in heaven!(okay, here come the tears!) I know that he sits with Jesus! I know I will see him and hug him and laugh with him again! I know that if I didn't believe in life after death with Jesus Christ then I would have surely crumbled by now. I would not be able to get out of bed each morning.
Just because I believe I will see Martin again, doesn't make time here on this earth without him easy all the time. I miss him. I miss his smile and his laugh. I miss the way he said "Jess". He was the only one who called me that. I miss seeing him clean the kitchen. I miss the debates and the family game nights. I am heart broken that we won't be taking him to college or seeing him get his first job. I will miss not be able to give him girl advice or help plan his wedding with his fiance. I would really like to hear his thoughts on the oil spill as well! I am sure he has given an earful to God!
There are times that I question God and His reason for taking Martin from us. I am never satisfied with an answer. His name, Martin Samuel, means "Mighty Warrior asked of God". God must have something far greater for Martin to do than this earth could ever warrant. I am comforted by this thought over and over again. I am clinging to my faith for as long as it takes to see Martin again.
People grieve in their own way. People grieve in their own time. My grieving journey looks different than my mothers. My mother's journey looks different from my fathers. My kids have their own journey they are on. It is a process. There are days of sadness. There are days of silence. There are moments of anger and anguish that drop you to your knees. There are times that an emotion comes out of nowhere and hits you like a ton of bricks. You could be anywhere. In your car, washing dishes, at church, at a birthday party, sitting on the couch reading to your daughter. It doesn't matter. Grief will find you.
In the little reading I have done on grief, it has been said that so many who lose loved ones become angry at God and sometimes even walk away from their faith. I totally get that. As I said, people's grieving journeys are different. Like a snowflake, no two are the same. And I am certainly no expert on grieving. I only know my own journey and emotional battles.
For me, clinging to my faith is a necessity right now. It is my comfort blanket. I need it to survive, to move from day to day. I have always had my faith but never needed it to consume me as I do now. Right after Martin's death, I remember thinking what it would be like going through this if I didn't have my faith in Jesus Christ and heaven. It paralyzes me to think that there are people who lose a loved one and don't believe they will see them again in heaven. How could you go on? How could you heal from that hurt? I don't think it would be possible for me. I know that Martin is in heaven!(okay, here come the tears!) I know that he sits with Jesus! I know I will see him and hug him and laugh with him again! I know that if I didn't believe in life after death with Jesus Christ then I would have surely crumbled by now. I would not be able to get out of bed each morning.
Just because I believe I will see Martin again, doesn't make time here on this earth without him easy all the time. I miss him. I miss his smile and his laugh. I miss the way he said "Jess". He was the only one who called me that. I miss seeing him clean the kitchen. I miss the debates and the family game nights. I am heart broken that we won't be taking him to college or seeing him get his first job. I will miss not be able to give him girl advice or help plan his wedding with his fiance. I would really like to hear his thoughts on the oil spill as well! I am sure he has given an earful to God!
There are times that I question God and His reason for taking Martin from us. I am never satisfied with an answer. His name, Martin Samuel, means "Mighty Warrior asked of God". God must have something far greater for Martin to do than this earth could ever warrant. I am comforted by this thought over and over again. I am clinging to my faith for as long as it takes to see Martin again.
Monday, May 10, 2010
good grief
Grief.
What a powerful state to be in.
It can consume you. It can scare you. It can bring you to your knees. It can clog your mind with memories and stories. It can weigh you down like a ton of bricks. It can lift you high above the clouds.
I am grieving for my brother. I find myself confused at times, thinking perhaps I made this all up in my head. Maybe Martin didn't die. And for a brief moment life seems good again. That quickly fades away though. You never think tragedy is going to happen to you. You have compassion for those tragedy has hit, but there is absolutely no way of putting yourself in their situation. It is indescribeable. It is unmeasurable. It is soul stripping. It is heart-breaking and gut-wrenching. I have never known pain like this. I have never known loss like this. I can't listen to music other than the Christian radio station. For anyone who knows me you know how big of a part music plays in my life. I love listening to music and blasting the radio in the car with the kids. I can't even do that. Music doesn't even sound the same anymore. Maybe listening to Christian music brings me closer to Martin. Maybe God is trying to tell me something.
I certainly have been listening to God lately. And talking to Him. I want to know that Martin is with Him. I want to be sure that Martin is safe and happy. I want to talk to Martin and have him talk back to me. I want to hear his voice one more time, over and over again. I want to see him smile and watch him take pleasure in cleaning the kitchen for my Mom. I want to listen to Martin and Luke play Backyard Baseball in the lounge.
Oh, Martin. I miss you so much. Everyone does. What are you doing up there?
I suppose talking to Martin is part of the grieving process. Right? One day at a time. More like one moment at a time. Like a light switch my emotion changes from sad to happy to angry to helpless so quickly and usually very unexpectedly. What a toll it has on taken on my body. Grief and stress go hand in hand. They are using my body both physically and emotionally as a punching bag. At least, that's how I feel.
Despite all of this. Despite the extreme hurt and broken heart I have, I know in my heart God is carrying me. He will make it possible to see the light. He will make it possible to survive the black night and wake up in the morning. He will make it possible to see the joy. That comforts me. I may not be ready to see it right now, but He will wait for me. He will be ready to set me down when I am ready. When I am strong enough, He will provide the light and the joy.
What a powerful state to be in.
It can consume you. It can scare you. It can bring you to your knees. It can clog your mind with memories and stories. It can weigh you down like a ton of bricks. It can lift you high above the clouds.
I am grieving for my brother. I find myself confused at times, thinking perhaps I made this all up in my head. Maybe Martin didn't die. And for a brief moment life seems good again. That quickly fades away though. You never think tragedy is going to happen to you. You have compassion for those tragedy has hit, but there is absolutely no way of putting yourself in their situation. It is indescribeable. It is unmeasurable. It is soul stripping. It is heart-breaking and gut-wrenching. I have never known pain like this. I have never known loss like this. I can't listen to music other than the Christian radio station. For anyone who knows me you know how big of a part music plays in my life. I love listening to music and blasting the radio in the car with the kids. I can't even do that. Music doesn't even sound the same anymore. Maybe listening to Christian music brings me closer to Martin. Maybe God is trying to tell me something.
I certainly have been listening to God lately. And talking to Him. I want to know that Martin is with Him. I want to be sure that Martin is safe and happy. I want to talk to Martin and have him talk back to me. I want to hear his voice one more time, over and over again. I want to see him smile and watch him take pleasure in cleaning the kitchen for my Mom. I want to listen to Martin and Luke play Backyard Baseball in the lounge.
Oh, Martin. I miss you so much. Everyone does. What are you doing up there?
I suppose talking to Martin is part of the grieving process. Right? One day at a time. More like one moment at a time. Like a light switch my emotion changes from sad to happy to angry to helpless so quickly and usually very unexpectedly. What a toll it has on taken on my body. Grief and stress go hand in hand. They are using my body both physically and emotionally as a punching bag. At least, that's how I feel.
Despite all of this. Despite the extreme hurt and broken heart I have, I know in my heart God is carrying me. He will make it possible to see the light. He will make it possible to survive the black night and wake up in the morning. He will make it possible to see the joy. That comforts me. I may not be ready to see it right now, but He will wait for me. He will be ready to set me down when I am ready. When I am strong enough, He will provide the light and the joy.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
loss and life
We have had a terrible loss in our neighborhood this weekend. Our neighbor, Mr. Harris, tragically passed away. His son is Luke's best friend. Mr. Harris leaves behind a wife and two son's. Please keep the Harris family wrapped in your love and prayers. May God be with them.
It has hit our family hard, especially Luke. It will continue to unearth questions as the days pass, I am sure. What a horrible thing for a child to have to deal with. What do you say? How do you comfort? For me, I can't stop thinking about Mr. Harris and the last time I saw him. It was the night he passed away. He looked fine. He looked normal. He kindly piggy backed Micah home from watching a movie at his house. I remember his face vividly. I always will. I will miss you.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
What a busy fun filled week and weekend we had, and are still having! It was the kids last week of school for two whole weeks so anticipation and sugar highs were flying. I had not one, but three class Christmas parties to shuffle to and from on Friday. Hands down, no contest, the second grade girls win the prize for loudest mouths! Holy moly! The squeels. The high pitched laughter. The toothless smiles! I love it!
We had the school Christmas program last week also. Luke had a starring role as the Leutenant Star. Look out Broadway! Here comes Luke!
My husband and I went to my work Christmas party in the city across the bay. We shared hugs, inside jokes, poems, and cheer. It was a lovely party.
Saturday was a bit different. We grieved over the loss of a friend. Comforted our children and had some serious talks. We spent time with the family. We prayed. I hugged my husband and kids a little tighter.
Saturday night, as soon as it got dark, we loaded up the children and drove across the bay to Bellingrath Gardens. The garden grounds are lit up with thousands of lights. It was magical. Purely delightful. A wonderful family tradition. We walked around hand in hand(okay, not really) and sipped hot cocoa. Poor Micah started to not feel well and slept the whole time in the stroller. Brady did really well walking the whole time. We all had a great time.
Today we prepared baked ziti for our neighbors and potato soup for our own dinner. My husband started a fire and we invited the neighborhood kids to have s'mores with us. I had forgotten just how scrumptious s'mores are. Don't even get me started on roasted marshmallows. How melt-in-your-mouth finger licking good they are.
Our December will continue to be busy, what with Christmas in five days and all! Are you ready for Santa? Are you ready for baby Jesus?
What are you and yours up to this joyous season?
It has hit our family hard, especially Luke. It will continue to unearth questions as the days pass, I am sure. What a horrible thing for a child to have to deal with. What do you say? How do you comfort? For me, I can't stop thinking about Mr. Harris and the last time I saw him. It was the night he passed away. He looked fine. He looked normal. He kindly piggy backed Micah home from watching a movie at his house. I remember his face vividly. I always will. I will miss you.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
What a busy fun filled week and weekend we had, and are still having! It was the kids last week of school for two whole weeks so anticipation and sugar highs were flying. I had not one, but three class Christmas parties to shuffle to and from on Friday. Hands down, no contest, the second grade girls win the prize for loudest mouths! Holy moly! The squeels. The high pitched laughter. The toothless smiles! I love it!
We had the school Christmas program last week also. Luke had a starring role as the Leutenant Star. Look out Broadway! Here comes Luke!
My husband and I went to my work Christmas party in the city across the bay. We shared hugs, inside jokes, poems, and cheer. It was a lovely party.
Saturday was a bit different. We grieved over the loss of a friend. Comforted our children and had some serious talks. We spent time with the family. We prayed. I hugged my husband and kids a little tighter.
Saturday night, as soon as it got dark, we loaded up the children and drove across the bay to Bellingrath Gardens. The garden grounds are lit up with thousands of lights. It was magical. Purely delightful. A wonderful family tradition. We walked around hand in hand(okay, not really) and sipped hot cocoa. Poor Micah started to not feel well and slept the whole time in the stroller. Brady did really well walking the whole time. We all had a great time.
Today we prepared baked ziti for our neighbors and potato soup for our own dinner. My husband started a fire and we invited the neighborhood kids to have s'mores with us. I had forgotten just how scrumptious s'mores are. Don't even get me started on roasted marshmallows. How melt-in-your-mouth finger licking good they are.
Our December will continue to be busy, what with Christmas in five days and all! Are you ready for Santa? Are you ready for baby Jesus?
What are you and yours up to this joyous season?
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