I can only imagine

As a child, my mom and dad told me that if you have Jesus as your Saviour, when you die you will go to heaven. He will be there to welcome you to his kingdom. I believed it then, and I still believe it. I wondered at times what heaven would look like and what I could do there. I wondered what Jesus looked like. But it was never something I thought a lot about.

Until April 9, 2010. The day my 16 year old brother died in a car accident.

Almost instantly, my thoughts and questions of heaven surfaced and I had to find answers. I cried out to God, even to Martin. I needed to know that Martin was for sure there, in heaven, and he was okay. I needed to know what he was doing and if he could see me. I needed to see him smile. (Now I actually have an image of Martin in my head of his face and he has the biggest smile. I am so thankful for that.) I reached for the Bible first, but it was too much to undertake. I was searching for very straight forward, juvenile like answers about heaven. I was so thirsty for knowledge and to know more about where my brother was going to be from now on. 

I can"t remember how I got the book, maybe my mom(more than likely) got it for us. I read Heaven is for Real and my mind and my heart were slowly but at ease.

It is about a young boy's trip to heaven and back. It is precious and simple. The words describing heaven came alive and helped me get a mental picture of heaven. It was exactly what I longed for during this difficult time. I wanted to be able to picture my brother in heaven and see him in all his glory with Jesus and the angels. I wanted to know if he would grow older and if his allergies would still bother him. I wanted to know who he would hang out with and what would they do. I wanted to know that he was okay. After reading this book and talking to friends and family, my doubts and worries turned in to delight and peace.

So now when I imagine entering the gates of heaven I see my brother waiting  for me with arms outstretched smiling. Sometimes I find myself more excited, in a sense, to see my brother in heaven than Jesus. Is that terrible to feel? I want to spend eternity with both Martin and Jesus but seeing my brother again puts a smile on my face.

I know my time will come. In His time. I will see Martin again. And we will both be smiling.

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clinging to my faith

As many of you know, my little brother died tragically in a car accident April 9, 2010. He was 16. It has been, and continues to be, a difficult time for our family. We have cried. We have called out to God in agony. We have been silenced by our affliction. We look to each other for support. We look to God for answers.

People grieve in their own way. People grieve in their own time. My grieving journey looks different than my mothers. My mother's journey looks different from my fathers. My kids have their own journey they are on.  It is a process. There are days of sadness. There are days of silence. There are moments of anger and anguish that drop you to your knees. There are times that an emotion comes out of nowhere and hits you like a ton of bricks. You could be anywhere. In your car, washing dishes, at church, at a birthday party, sitting on the couch reading to your daughter. It doesn't matter. Grief will find you.

In the little reading I have done on grief, it has been said that so many who lose loved ones become angry at God and sometimes even walk away from their faith. I totally get that. As I said, people's grieving journeys are different. Like a snowflake, no two are the same. And I am certainly no expert on grieving. I only know my own journey and emotional battles.

For me, clinging to my faith is a necessity right now. It is my comfort blanket. I need it to survive, to move from day to day. I have always had my faith but never needed it to consume me as I do now. Right after Martin's death, I remember thinking what it would be like going through this if I didn't have my faith in Jesus Christ and heaven. It paralyzes me to think that there are people who lose a loved one and don't believe they will see them again in heaven. How could you go on? How could you heal from that hurt? I don't think it would be possible for me. I know that Martin is in heaven!(okay, here come the tears!) I know that he sits with Jesus! I know I will see him and hug him and laugh with him again! I know that if I didn't believe in life after death with Jesus Christ then I would have surely crumbled by now. I would not be able to get out of bed each morning.   

Just because I believe I will see Martin again, doesn't make time here on this earth without him easy all the time. I miss him. I miss his smile and his laugh. I miss the way he said "Jess". He was the only one who called me that. I miss seeing him clean the kitchen. I miss the debates and the family game nights. I am heart broken that we won't be taking him to college or seeing him get his first job. I will miss not be able to give him girl advice or help plan his wedding with his fiance. I would really like to hear his thoughts on the oil spill as well! I am sure he has given an earful to God!

There are times that I question God and His reason for taking Martin from us. I am never satisfied with an answer. His name, Martin Samuel, means "Mighty Warrior asked of God". God must have something far greater for Martin to do than this earth could ever warrant. I am comforted by this thought over and over again. I am clinging to my faith for as long as it takes to see Martin again.  

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him and Him

Three weeks ago today my little brother, Martin Samuel Farrell, was killed in a car accident.

Yesterday was the first day I didn't cry.

This time three weeks ago Martin was alive.

Martin was sixteen years old.

Martin now sits with his Heavenly Father.

Martin is now like Him.

For those of you living in or around South Alabama, you probably heard about the accident on the news. There was a lot of coverage for days after the accident. Martin touched many people's lives and will continue to do so from heaven above.

If you want to know more about my brother feel free to visit the facebook page created for him, R.I.P Martin Farrell. Of course I will continue to talk about him and how blessed we were to have him in our lives for sixteen years.

The journey ahead is going to be hard. Missing Martin. Wanting to see his face again and hug his neck. Our faith will get us through. Our faith is our light in this time of darkness.

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