lost, but not gone

Have you ever lost someone you cared deeply for? Perhaps you even loved that person. Does your heart ache from the absence of them? At times, do you shake your head in disbelief thinking how could this have happened?

There are different ways in which we lose loved ones. We may lose them by death, divorce, losing contact over miles or time apart, feelings fade, people change. In every instance there is heartache, pain, yearning, doubt, disbelief, anger.....I could go on and on.

My 16 year old brother died tragically in a car accident April 9, 2010. He was driving home by himself from the beach, veered into the oncoming traffic's lane, and crashed into an 18-wheeler. Even now, telling you all this, it somehow doesn't seem real. How could this have happened to MY brother and OUR family? We later learned that my brother suffered a head injury earlier in the day and lost consciousness while driving. I can only imagine what he was feeling. How scared he must have been. Did he know he was veering in the wrong lane? Was his head hurting or did he lose eyesight? Was he praying to God to just let him make it home? Was he calling for his Mom and Dad? These questions will not be answered until I see Martin in Heaven. Then it will not even matter.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about Martin, his accident, his funeral, my Father's voice when he told me Martin died, my Mother's agony when she saw Martin lying in his casket, the sadness in his friend's eyes as they mourned the loss of their cherished friend. And then there are all the if only scenarios running through my head. If only I could see him one more time, I could squeeze his neck and tell him how much I love him and how great of an Unlce he is to Luke, Madison, Micah and Brady and how much I admire his self-disciplineness, independence, and desire to please. If only...

I have seen how precious life is and how quickly it can be stripped from you. It is out of our control! Death can knock on your door at any time and take you or someone you love. And then what? There is no bringing that person back. They are gone.

You yourself may have had someone dear to you die and be feeling a lot of the same emotions that I am. You may be grieving for the loss of your brother as well, or your mother or father, or husband, sister or best friend. Or maybe you are grieving for loss that happened because of a divorce, or grown apart because of distance or time, or your boyfriend told you he doesn't love you anymore. Your loss is felt just as much as my own loss. But I will tell you this. Your loss is different. Your loss may not be gone. You still have the chance to have that person in your life. To reconcile with your wife or husband, to call your grown child on the phone and tell them how much you miss them, or that you are sorry and ask for forgiveness, or even to forgive. By this I mean that if you are hurting and have lost someone or even let someone go for whatever reasons, don't let selfishness, pride, deceit, sin, lust, sex, work, spite, lies or any other harmful feeling get in the way of getting that person back in your life. Those struggling in their marriages, or if you have lost contact with a parent, or let a lifelong friend slip away, life is too short and too unpredictable to let such things happen. Take it from me, who can never have my brother back in my life while on this earth. Life is too precious to hold such harmful feelings in your heart. It only hurts you in the long run. Remember your vows, remember your children, remember your God and what He asks of you. Remember what the Bible says. 

Don't waste time and words unsaid. Let your pride go and let your heart soar! Come on, just try it!

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I'll cry if I want to

What a release. A clense. A self-healing tool. A necessity.

Crying that is.

I have cried quite a bit the past day or so. A good cry indeed. A much needed cry. I found myself at times reminding myself to breath. I was afraid of doing one of those really loud gasps and having everyone turn to see who made that noise. So I held it in. Until I got to my car.

I went to a visitation and then funeral the next day. The sudden death of our neighbor across the street has hit our family hard. Especially Luke. And me. But Luke is nine years old and shouldn't have to navigate such unchartered emotions. He has enough on his plate. Our neighbor, Mr. H, has a son, B. B is Luke's age and they are best buddies. Luke and B have been sticking by each other through all of this. Luke says they are just trying not to think about it. I love you , Luke! You are so precious to me.

For me, I couldn't stop thinking about Mr. H until I attended his funeral. I had his face etched in my mind from the last time I saw him. It was just hours before he passed. Three of our four children had watched a movie at his house. They loved Mr. H. He was kind and generous to our children. He was a great neighbor who was always ready to lend a helping hand. He was a school teacher and a pilot in the Air Force.

Questions are still going through my mind. How could he do something so incredibly drastic? So definite? So ultimate...ending? Why did he think there was no other way? No other choice or fix or solution? How could he leave a wife and two sons? How could he?

Those are questions I will never have answered. Those are questions only God can answer. I'm okay with that.

So crying I did. Lots of crying. I cried for Mr. H. I cried for Mrs. H. I sobbed for their sons. One full of anger. One full of confusion and bewilderment. My heart breaks for them. For their loss. For their feelings of loneliness. One more time....If only they had one more time.....one more hug....one more look...one more word. My heart aches for them.

We all have our own way of dealing. My way of dealing with death and loss is to cry. It helps me. It takes me through the emotions necessary to begin to heal. When done crying, I feel better. I feel clensed. Renewed.

So today, I feel better emotionally. I'm sure I will continue to toggle with certain emotions from time to time over our loss. But for now, for me, two days of crying has truly helped me deal.

Goodbye, Mr. H...you are missed.

  

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