Ask.Let.Stop.Start.

What I want is for you to ask me how I am doing.

Ask me how I am feeling.

Ask me if I miss Martin and if I think about him all the time.

Ask me if I weep uncontrollably at times.  

Ask me if I need anything from you.

Let me talk to you about what I am experiencing.

Let me lay my head in your lap in silence.

Let me ramble off stories and happenings.

Let me fall into your arms and feel safe.

Let me be.

Stop wasting time.

Stop wasting thoughts.

Stop wasting assumptions.

Stop wasting your energy on worldly treasures.

Stop wasting me.

Start talking.

Start repenting.

Start giving selflessly.

Start learning to love.

Start today.

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inconvenience

I tell you what, at the end of some days I am so sick of hearing my name.

"Mom, can you come here?"
"Mom, can you pour me some milk?"
"Mom, where are my school shoes?"
"Mom, I don't have any socks."
"Mom, me done poopoo and teetee."
"Mom, I need you."

Most of you are smiling right now because you know exactly what I am talking about. Even when Daddy is standing right next to them, they still manage to call my name. Why is that? Do kids just know that Daddy is going to say, "I don't know honey, go ask Mama." Kids are so smart, aren't they! Skip the middle man and go straight to the head honcho.

And check this out. I truly believe my children have some sort of radar. I don't know where it comes from or who had the nerve to give it to them(probably Daddy), but radar they have nonetheless. This radar pops up and goes off at the most inoportune times. Let's take dinner time for example. My husband and I learned the easiest thing for our family was to serve the kids before we sit down. We make sure everyone has their food, drink, napkin, fork, spoon, etc. That way we the kids are settled in and happily eating and then we can fix our plates and sit down to enjoy dinner as a family without having to get up every two minutes to get something. Sometimes this works. Sometimes it doesn't. There are times the exact moment I finally sit down to eat the gorgeous steak my husband prepared, and drool is literally escaping my lips, a little one says to me, "Can I have more corn?" How is that possible! I haven't even started eating yet and you have finished one entire helping of corn already! Come on! So I get the child more corn, of course. I also ask everyone else if they need anything. I make eye contact with each child and attempt to tap into their radar and hack it. No such luck. No one needs anything at that moment in time so I proceed to sit down. "Mama, I'm thirsty." "Mama can I have more steak?" Mama can you cut my steak up?"

Take a number.

Does this at all sound like your dinner table?

What about bathroom time? Every time I take my daughter grocery shopping at Wal-Mart she has to go the bathroom at least twice. The first time to go, well, #1. And the second time to....you know what follows # 1! Not to mention she went potty before we left. Must be something in the air at Wal-Mart.

At night when I have cleaned the kitchen and wiped down the countertops and picked up all the toys laying around, and all I want to do is SIT DOWN, I hear the faint pitter patter of footsteps. Why yes, it's my three year old still awake at 9pm. I proceed to put him back in bed nine times, cursing the day he was conceived!

I love my children with all that is me. I have learned through the years how to love them. Raising children takes more than just love. Like everything else in my life, I am a work in progress Mama.

You might be wondering if I see my children as an inconvenience. Absolutely not! No way, no how! But there are days I want to change my name. And I do wish someone would hack into that radar thing.

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which way to go

I struggle with something. In fact, I struggle with this particular 'thing' just about every day. Some days are better than others. Many emotions come with my struggle. Sadness, hurtfulness, anger, rejection, confusion. It has been over two years now that I have been dealing with this. Have you ever struggled with something?

I think about it every day. Some days it weighs extremely heavy and others not so much. Some days it affects everthing I do. Some days it doesn't. I have talked about with my family, close friends, our priest, and a counselor. It helps to talk about it. It doesn't solve it, but it helps to put it in perspective. What can I do to relieve my struggling? Because ultimately, I am the only one, with God's help, who is going to wash it all away. I have to constantly remind myself that I have the choice of how to look at aspects of my life. Just as I tell our four children, it's all about the choices we make. You can choose to bang on the table AGAIN with your fork, but you will reap the consequences. You can choose to play in the water even after I have said no twenty-seven times, but you will not be happy with the outcome. Just like we stress to our children about making the right choices, choosing to do the right thing, we must also listen to our own advice! I can choose how I deal with my struggle and I can choose to get help. You know what I have chosen? To be positive. To reach out to those who are Godly and support what is good and Biblical. It's not always the easy way to go, don't get me wrong. But it is the right way to go. All other ways will only take you, and me, in circles. I don't know about you, but going in circles never got me anywhere. Be positive, seek Godly support and wisdom, and don't sweat the small stuff. Life is precious so choose wisely.    

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