live your life on purpose

My husband and I celebrated six years of marriage March 18th. I feel so blessed to have a committed and loving husband. And I am sure my husband feels extremely blessed to have such a rockin' hot wife!

Ahem!

You may be reading this post scratching your head and thinking, "Wait a sec, SIX years of marriage? How can that be? Their oldest, Luke, is eleven years old. I don't get it."

Then again it may not even cross your mind.  That's okay too. Or you may know me and know our story.

Whichever the case, I am going to share our story(not in great detail) on my blog today.

I found out I was pregnant on my 22nd birthday. It is hard for me to even remember my exact feelings at the moment I looked down at the stick and saw two lines. Or was it a plus sign? I don't even know! I was not married. I was not trying to get pregnant. I was in disbelief for awhile. I was so young and really had no idea how my life was going to be forever changed. I was scared. Abortion crossed my mind, but it was NEVER an option. My parents were extremely supportive, and I am sure worried. About seven or eight weeks in to the pregnancy, I decided it would be best to move in with my parents. I needed to take care of myself and stay healthy. I needed to prepare for this life that was growing inside of me. Luke was born on May 31, 2000. I was a mother.

I got pregnant again. I was not married. I was not trying to get pregnant. I visited a Planned Parenthood. I had never felt so uneasy. I am not really sure why I even went. I could have never gone through with having an abortion. I still lived at home with my mom, dad and brother, Martin. Madison was born 18 months after Luke on December 1, 2001. I loved being a mother. I loved holding my babies close to my chest and rocking them to sleep. I loved making them laugh and watching as they learned to crawl, feed themselves, talk, walk, climb and run! I loved my babies. But I felt empty inside. I tried hard to fill a void in my heart. While I was trying so desperately to fill that void, I was missing out on the two greatest things I had ever been blessed with.

I figured it was due time for Luke and Maddie to have a sibling so I got pregnant again. That is a joke. No, not the getting pregnant part. That is not a joke. I know, nothing about that sentence is funny. I was not married nor was I trying to get pregnant. I felt ashamed and cursed. A curse I brought upon myself, no doubt. I felt stupid and insignificant. I felt alone and undesirable. I was still living at home. Micah was born on January 20, 2004.

You might be wondering why I am telling you all of this. I feel led to share, I suppose. I feel led to share the good times and the times I have struggled. I feel led to share my sins with you, my emotions and my joys. And my children are the greatest joy in my life! I see now so much more clearly than I ever have before. Believe me I have a ways to go, but I am moving in the right direction. I have been entrusted with these four children by God. He believes in me! That is crazy to think about! Especially on the days I feel an exorcist moment coming on! Nonetheless, He trusted me enough to bless me with these four children. He knew that as I matured, I would strive towards looking to Him to bring them up the right way; to know God, to love God, and to fear God. He trusted me then at the tender age of 22, and he continues to trust and believe in me now.

I do not condone pre-marital sex. We teach abstinence in our home. My prayers lately have gone something like this: "Dear Jesus, open my heart and guide me to do your will. Whatever that may be. At any given moment, at any given day. I want you to shine through me Lord. Less of me and more of YOU. I want my kids to know you and seek to be like you. I am grateful. Forgive me, Lord. We praise your name. Amen."

I know I have been forgiven. I know why I was put on this earth. Well, I'm starting to figure it out at least. There are days that I question my existence and my ability to keep L, M, M and B from plunging to their deaths. So in the midst of the crumbs, and the Legos, the whiny attitudes, the piles of dress-up clothes, the dirty wash rags piled high in my sink, the complaining and the tattling, the empty cereal boxes, the rolling of the eyes and the french fries in my car, and the sand in my couch, etc., etc., etc....I find peace. Sometimes I have to dig real deep, but it's there!

Live your life on purpose.

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just some thoughts and things

We have had a good week. Brady's fever finally broke. The morning he woke up and was fever free, the kids and I rushed to get our snacks packed and suits on and headed straight for the pool. We had been cooped up in the house for the most part since school let out.

The kids have been doing lots of painting, playing with neighbor friends, riding bikes, playing in the hose, snacking on fresh fruit, sleeping at Grandmom and Granddad's and playing board games.

My husband and I have made a huge decision for our family. I will tell you what the decision is soon.

I have been slowly purging and organizing our house. The simpler the better at this time in our lives!

I finally finished reading Bringing Up Boys.

Brady needs a haircut.

Luke turned 11 years old and I am still in shock. He scored extremely high on the Iowa tests.

My extremely kind husband took our daughter with him to work today. He sent me a text message saying she had already rung up one customer and wants to learn how to do everything her daddy does at work! My husband manages a university bookstore.

I am so happy it is Friday.

Gotta run. Brady has just packed himself a rather large duffel bag and claims he is staying at Grandmoms this weekend. This is the first I am hearing about it.

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inspired

my children being kind to one another

my husband lending a hand to my parents

finishing something that I start

words in a book

my mother

an honest person

my four year old wanting to help hungry children that he saw on tv

my faith in Jesus Christ

my father

a stranger

a friend who takes a leap of faith and follows God's will for her family

my husband's unyielding support of me and my ideas

my grandparents and their conviction to serve others

my soldier cousin in Afganistan

parents who homeschool their children

my chidren's joy and laughter

my children's tears

words from a blog

aching in my heart

Martin

a song

this journey that we are all on

take time and allow yourself to be inspired



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is it the thought that counts?

Is it truly, the thought that counts?

My mom and I were out and about yesterday and talked a lot about family, marriage, and thinking versus doing. I love my mother so much. She is kind, generous, wise, and constantly striving to do what God wants her to do. I want to be more like her.

One thing she mentioned that struck me was, is it really the thought that counts. Think about that for a moment. Is is truly the thought that counts? Does the thought really even matter much?

People use this term all the time. Almost like an excuse, a crutch. I thought about calling you and wishing you a Happy Birthday, but I didn't. I thought about giving money to a charity during this holiday season, but didn't. I thought about apologizing to my husband for saying something disrespectful, but didn't. Because it is the thought that counts. Right?

Honestly. For me. It is not the thought that counts. Your thoughts really don't mean much to me. I can't hear them. They don't benefit me or anyone else in any way really.

I firmly believe that it is our actions that count. Absolutely. No question. Actions speak louder than our thoughts. Those people in our lives can actually know a glimpse of what we are thinking through our actions. Far be it from me to be an expert on this topic. I am just sharing my personal opinion with you.

I don't know about you, but I have trouble keepng my own thoughts in order most of the time. I am amazed and will whole heartedly admit, that the thoughts running through my head are not always pleasant or even remotely nice. And yes, I have said to myself, what are you thinking? Especially a few years ago when I was a single mother raising three children without a husband. The thoughts in my head would drive me bonkers. Thoughts, paired with feelings, of lonliness, rejection, hatred, shamefulness, embarrassment. Those were not constant thoughts, but they did exist. I have learned a lot  and overcome much over the past few years and have found that what you surround yourself with plays a big part on the thoughts in your head. I now surround myself with my wonderful husband and four amazing children, an extended family and friends who are good people. My family and friends share similiar thoughts on priorities and values. We support one another and seek Godly advice to give each other. We pray for one another.

This year alone, I have known a few couples(mine included) who have been in a struggling marriage. Some have already ended in divorce, others are separated. Others are hanging on for dear life and seeking counseling. It saddens me. I hate it. I hate divorce. My parents have been married for 33 years so I do not speak from personal experience. But I strongly believe that when you stand before God and your family and friends you take a vow, which is larger that a promise, to stand by your spouse for better and for worse. Yes I said it. Even if your spouse has done hateful and horrible things or said spiteful and hurtful words, over and over and over again, I believe you do what is right, and fight. Fight to save your marriage and become the partner God says to be. You made that vow to God, and it is yours to uphold. For better and for worse. Right? By the way, you can't pick and choose what you think is worthy of being considered worse. Meaning, when is it alright to say I've had enough and decide to divorce. For example, believing that because your spouse always spends your hard earned money and doesn't keep the house in order, or becuase your spouse doesn't show you respect or take care of you. Or even if your spouse goes so far as to stray. What if your spouse struggles with an emotional disorder or becomes handicap in some fashion? Is it ok then to decide to divorce them? What are your thoughts?

Actions. Yes actions, are what counts. Through our actions we are able to show love, support, commitment, understanding, generousity, joy, and simple kindness. I can tell my husband twenty times a day that I love him. But it is my actions towards him that truly let him know and backup my thoughts and words. The way I speak to him, asking him how his day was when he comes home from work, offering to get him a drink or fixing him his favorite meal. We can show others that we care as well. Support a cause, buy a product, send a note, or simply pick up the phone more often. Nothing extravangant is required. As humans, we want to be shown that the people in our lives love us, and care for us, and will remain by our side through thick and thin. I know I want that. And I am shown everyday by the many people in my life that I am loved, understood, supported, and thought about. I am truly blessed.

I bet if you were to start acting more than thinking, you would see the same in return. Perhaps not at first, but you will. So go ahead. Start today. Use your actions to exemplify your thoughts of laughter, joy, love, understanding, and kindness.

Let me know what happens.           

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which way to go

I struggle with something. In fact, I struggle with this particular 'thing' just about every day. Some days are better than others. Many emotions come with my struggle. Sadness, hurtfulness, anger, rejection, confusion. It has been over two years now that I have been dealing with this. Have you ever struggled with something?

I think about it every day. Some days it weighs extremely heavy and others not so much. Some days it affects everthing I do. Some days it doesn't. I have talked about with my family, close friends, our priest, and a counselor. It helps to talk about it. It doesn't solve it, but it helps to put it in perspective. What can I do to relieve my struggling? Because ultimately, I am the only one, with God's help, who is going to wash it all away. I have to constantly remind myself that I have the choice of how to look at aspects of my life. Just as I tell our four children, it's all about the choices we make. You can choose to bang on the table AGAIN with your fork, but you will reap the consequences. You can choose to play in the water even after I have said no twenty-seven times, but you will not be happy with the outcome. Just like we stress to our children about making the right choices, choosing to do the right thing, we must also listen to our own advice! I can choose how I deal with my struggle and I can choose to get help. You know what I have chosen? To be positive. To reach out to those who are Godly and support what is good and Biblical. It's not always the easy way to go, don't get me wrong. But it is the right way to go. All other ways will only take you, and me, in circles. I don't know about you, but going in circles never got me anywhere. Be positive, seek Godly support and wisdom, and don't sweat the small stuff. Life is precious so choose wisely.    

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