As many of you know, my little brother died tragically in a car accident April 9, 2010. He was 16. It has been, and continues to be, a difficult time for our family. We have cried. We have called out to God in agony. We have been silenced by our affliction. We look to each other for support. We look to God for answers.
People grieve in their own way. People grieve in their own time. My grieving journey looks different than my mothers. My mother's journey looks different from my fathers. My kids have their own journey they are on. It is a process. There are days of sadness. There are days of silence. There are moments of anger and anguish that drop you to your knees. There are times that an emotion comes out of nowhere and hits you like a ton of bricks. You could be anywhere. In your car, washing dishes, at church, at a birthday party, sitting on the couch reading to your daughter. It doesn't matter. Grief will find you.
In the little reading I have done on grief, it has been said that so many who lose loved ones become angry at God and sometimes even walk away from their faith. I totally get that. As I said, people's grieving journeys are different. Like a snowflake, no two are the same. And I am certainly no expert on grieving. I only know my own journey and emotional battles.
For me, clinging to my faith is a necessity right now. It is my comfort blanket. I need it to survive, to move from day to day. I have always had my faith but never needed it to consume me as I do now. Right after Martin's death, I remember thinking what it would be like going through this if I didn't have my faith in Jesus Christ and heaven. It paralyzes me to think that there are people who lose a loved one and don't believe they will see them again in heaven. How could you go on? How could you heal from that hurt? I don't think it would be possible for me. I know that Martin is in heaven!(okay, here come the tears!) I know that he sits with Jesus! I know I will see him and hug him and laugh with him again! I know that if I didn't believe in life after death with Jesus Christ then I would have surely crumbled by now. I would not be able to get out of bed each morning.
Just because I believe I will see Martin again, doesn't make time here on this earth without him easy all the time. I miss him. I miss his smile and his laugh. I miss the way he said "Jess". He was the only one who called me that. I miss seeing him clean the kitchen. I miss the debates and the family game nights. I am heart broken that we won't be taking him to college or seeing him get his first job. I will miss not be able to give him girl advice or help plan his wedding with his fiance. I would really like to hear his thoughts on the oil spill as well! I am sure he has given an earful to God!
There are times that I question God and His reason for taking Martin from us. I am never satisfied with an answer. His name, Martin Samuel, means "Mighty Warrior asked of God". God must have something far greater for Martin to do than this earth could ever warrant. I am comforted by this thought over and over again. I am clinging to my faith for as long as it takes to see Martin again.