I had never felt so defeated. So lost. So spent. As a mother of four ages 11, 10, 8 and 5, I have had plenty days of doubt and exhaustion. Days when I was sure my children were possessed by some out-of-this-world demon and I was destined to extract said demon if it was the last thing I did.
But this day was different.
This day was far worse than I had experienced before.
It was last Monday, to be exact. I woke full of energy and ready to begin our school day. The kids, did not. And so it began. The complaining. The whining. The rolling of the eyes. (A favorite of mine. Sends lasers up my spine through my arms to my hands and continuing to my brain.) We started school. All of us together at the kitchen table. The boys were giddy. Madison followed suit. I was repeating myself what felt like four or five times. I felt invisible. No school work was getting accomplished. Luke was dissecting a mechanical pencil. Micah could not sit still in his chair for more than thirty seconds. Brady was taunting the three oldest and I caught myself fantasising about the school bus coming to take these heathens away.
My patience had been tried and I was at the end of my rope. I felt as if I couldn't go on without breaking down in tears or breaking someones face. So, I chose to distance myself from the situation. I took Brady, my five year old, and we went in his room and played. The oldest three were left to their schoolwork at the table. They knew what work had to be completed by looking at their assignment sheets. If they needed help, they would have to look to each other.
I am not sure if that was the best thing to do, but I felt like, at the time, I had no other choice. After some time, we had to gather our things and leave for music and ballet lessons.
The kids and I and my husband had a talk about what happened and some very important changes that need to take place in our family. It was time to reevaluate. Take away privileges for a period of time. It is always a good thing to do every so often or whenever the need arises.
Family meetings are a great way to come together and share ideas, emotions, concerns, stories, etc. I always feel better after one of ours.
I hope this post speaks to some of you reading. It is natural to feel defeated at times. To have doubts. To look at your children and think, "Is this how I have raised you to behave!". This is when you fall to your knees and raise your head towards Jesus in heaven and offer your children to Him in prayer. For years I have prayed for specific requests. Like this: "Lord, please help Luke with this anger. Please give Maddie confidence and Micah kindness in his heart." I still pray this way but I also want God to show me what my children need and what my husband needs. I want to know how to pray for each of them. So I ask Him to show me. Show me Lord, so that I may do your will! I ask Him to open my heart and guide me. My way might not be His way. I want to walk along His path for me and my family. For His path is the only way to heaven. I have found that when I really look and listen, He shows me. Always.