What a powerful state to be in.
It can consume you. It can scare you. It can bring you to your knees. It can clog your mind with memories and stories. It can weigh you down like a ton of bricks. It can lift you high above the clouds.
I am grieving for my brother. I find myself confused at times, thinking perhaps I made this all up in my head. Maybe Martin didn't die. And for a brief moment life seems good again. That quickly fades away though. You never think tragedy is going to happen to you. You have compassion for those tragedy has hit, but there is absolutely no way of putting yourself in their situation. It is indescribeable. It is unmeasurable. It is soul stripping. It is heart-breaking and gut-wrenching. I have never known pain like this. I have never known loss like this. I can't listen to music other than the Christian radio station. For anyone who knows me you know how big of a part music plays in my life. I love listening to music and blasting the radio in the car with the kids. I can't even do that. Music doesn't even sound the same anymore. Maybe listening to Christian music brings me closer to Martin. Maybe God is trying to tell me something.
I certainly have been listening to God lately. And talking to Him. I want to know that Martin is with Him. I want to be sure that Martin is safe and happy. I want to talk to Martin and have him talk back to me. I want to hear his voice one more time, over and over again. I want to see him smile and watch him take pleasure in cleaning the kitchen for my Mom. I want to listen to Martin and Luke play Backyard Baseball in the lounge.
Oh, Martin. I miss you so much. Everyone does. What are you doing up there?
I suppose talking to Martin is part of the grieving process. Right? One day at a time. More like one moment at a time. Like a light switch my emotion changes from sad to happy to angry to helpless so quickly and usually very unexpectedly. What a toll it has on taken on my body. Grief and stress go hand in hand. They are using my body both physically and emotionally as a punching bag. At least, that's how I feel.
Despite all of this. Despite the extreme hurt and broken heart I have, I know in my heart God is carrying me. He will make it possible to see the light. He will make it possible to survive the black night and wake up in the morning. He will make it possible to see the joy. That comforts me. I may not be ready to see it right now, but He will wait for me. He will be ready to set me down when I am ready. When I am strong enough, He will provide the light and the joy.