Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I'll cry if I want to

What a release. A clense. A self-healing tool. A necessity.

Crying that is.

I have cried quite a bit the past day or so. A good cry indeed. A much needed cry. I found myself at times reminding myself to breath. I was afraid of doing one of those really loud gasps and having everyone turn to see who made that noise. So I held it in. Until I got to my car.

I went to a visitation and then funeral the next day. The sudden death of our neighbor across the street has hit our family hard. Especially Luke. And me. But Luke is nine years old and shouldn't have to navigate such unchartered emotions. He has enough on his plate. Our neighbor, Mr. H, has a son, B. B is Luke's age and they are best buddies. Luke and B have been sticking by each other through all of this. Luke says they are just trying not to think about it. I love you , Luke! You are so precious to me.

For me, I couldn't stop thinking about Mr. H until I attended his funeral. I had his face etched in my mind from the last time I saw him. It was just hours before he passed. Three of our four children had watched a movie at his house. They loved Mr. H. He was kind and generous to our children. He was a great neighbor who was always ready to lend a helping hand. He was a school teacher and a pilot in the Air Force.

Questions are still going through my mind. How could he do something so incredibly drastic? So definite? So ultimate...ending? Why did he think there was no other way? No other choice or fix or solution? How could he leave a wife and two sons? How could he?

Those are questions I will never have answered. Those are questions only God can answer. I'm okay with that.

So crying I did. Lots of crying. I cried for Mr. H. I cried for Mrs. H. I sobbed for their sons. One full of anger. One full of confusion and bewilderment. My heart breaks for them. For their loss. For their feelings of loneliness. One more time....If only they had one more more more more word. My heart aches for them.

We all have our own way of dealing. My way of dealing with death and loss is to cry. It helps me. It takes me through the emotions necessary to begin to heal. When done crying, I feel better. I feel clensed. Renewed.

So today, I feel better emotionally. I'm sure I will continue to toggle with certain emotions from time to time over our loss. But for now, for me, two days of crying has truly helped me deal.

Goodbye, Mr. are missed.


No comments: