You may be reading this post scratching your head and thinking, "Wait a sec, SIX years of marriage? How can that be? Their oldest, Luke, is eleven years old. I don't get it."
Then again it may not even cross your mind. That's okay too. Or you may know me and know our story.
Whichever the case, I am going to share our story(not in great detail) on my blog today.
I found out I was pregnant on my 22nd birthday. It is hard for me to even remember my exact feelings at the moment I looked down at the stick and saw two lines. Or was it a plus sign? I don't even know! I was not married. I was not trying to get pregnant. I was in disbelief for awhile. I was so young and really had no idea how my life was going to be forever changed. I was scared. Abortion crossed my mind, but it was NEVER an option. My parents were extremely supportive, and I am sure worried. About seven or eight weeks in to the pregnancy, I decided it would be best to move in with my parents. I needed to take care of myself and stay healthy. I needed to prepare for this life that was growing inside of me. Luke was born on May 31, 2000. I was a mother.
I got pregnant again. I was not married. I was not trying to get pregnant. I visited a Planned Parenthood. I had never felt so uneasy. I am not really sure why I even went. I could have never gone through with having an abortion. I still lived at home with my mom, dad and brother, Martin. Madison was born 18 months after Luke on December 1, 2001. I loved being a mother. I loved holding my babies close to my chest and rocking them to sleep. I loved making them laugh and watching as they learned to crawl, feed themselves, talk, walk, climb and run! I loved my babies. But I felt empty inside. I tried hard to fill a void in my heart. While I was trying so desperately to fill that void, I was missing out on the two greatest things I had ever been blessed with.
I figured it was due time for Luke and Maddie to have a sibling so I got pregnant again. That is a joke. No, not the getting pregnant part. That is not a joke. I know, nothing about that sentence is funny. I was not married nor was I trying to get pregnant. I felt ashamed and cursed. A curse I brought upon myself, no doubt. I felt stupid and insignificant. I felt alone and undesirable. I was still living at home. Micah was born on January 20, 2004.
You might be wondering why I am telling you all of this. I feel led to share, I suppose. I feel led to share the good times and the times I have struggled. I feel led to share my sins with you, my emotions and my joys. And my children are the greatest joy in my life! I see now so much more clearly than I ever have before. Believe me I have a ways to go, but I am moving in the right direction. I have been entrusted with these four children by God. He believes in me! That is crazy to think about! Especially on the days I feel an exorcist moment coming on! Nonetheless, He trusted me enough to bless me with these four children. He knew that as I matured, I would strive towards looking to Him to bring them up the right way; to know God, to love God, and to fear God. He trusted me then at the tender age of 22, and he continues to trust and believe in me now.
I do not condone pre-marital sex. We teach abstinence in our home. My prayers lately have gone something like this: "Dear Jesus, open my heart and guide me to do your will. Whatever that may be. At any given moment, at any given day. I want you to shine through me Lord. Less of me and more of YOU. I want my kids to know you and seek to be like you. I am grateful. Forgive me, Lord. We praise your name. Amen."
I know I have been forgiven. I know why I was put on this earth. Well, I'm starting to figure it out at least. There are days that I question my existence and my ability to keep L, M, M and B from plunging to their deaths. So in the midst of the crumbs, and the Legos, the whiny attitudes, the piles of dress-up clothes, the dirty wash rags piled high in my sink, the complaining and the tattling, the empty cereal boxes, the rolling of the eyes and the french fries in my car, and the sand in my couch, etc., etc., etc....I find peace. Sometimes I have to dig real deep, but it's there!
Live your life on purpose.