Wednesday, March 9, 2011


I have been hesitant to blog. To write down all that I have been feeling and experiencing lately. I don't exactly know why. Maybe the fear that no one will read therefore no one cares. Or maybe trying to put down in words all that is swimming in my head is just too darn hard. I am pretty much an open book as you all already know, and being that vulnerable is weighing heavy on my already skinned heart.

Today is March 9th. One month from today will mark the one year anniversary of my brother's death. How could a year have gone by already? A whole year! And how to we come to grips with the fact that Martin is not coming back. Will our lives ever be without deep sadness, worry, fear, heavy hearts and craving? Why did things have to change? Why did this have to happen to our family? We lost a brother, a son, an uncle, a godfather, a grandson, a nephew, a cousin....a best friend.

I have been robbed. Amputated.

It is raining here. Wash it clean, Lord. Wash it away.......


Leanne Murray said...

Oh Jessica....I cannot IMAGINE what you are going through or one does unless they have been in your shoes. I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish it could get easier....maybe one day? All you can do is lean on friends and family and pray for PEACE in your heart. I will pray that the hurt and sadness lessons for you and that you can be at peace that your brother is with Jesus in heaven. Leanne Murray
PS...if you haven't read it already, you should read "90 minutes in Heaven".

Staci said...

We read. We care. Many may not comment because they don't feel like they have the words that will help but you are in their thoughts. I am so sorry for your loss and please know that I will be praying for you and your family.

Jo said...

I can't believe it has almost been a year either. I will never forget that day.... or Martin. I love you my friend. You and yours are so precious to me! Xoxoxo

the ref said...

Leanne, Staci and Jo-
Thank you. Thank you for your kind words, loving hearts and prayerful actions. It all means the world to me. I am blessed to know each of you women.
Love, Jessica

Gina said...

I feel it's not really my place to try saying something helpful. Knowing that I don't truly "know" you except through blogging I don't want to try to be insincere offering fake sympathy. But at the risk of all that I just want to say that I AM thinking of you. I hope that you are surrounded by great flesh and blood friends who will hug you in a way a virtual friend can't.