Friday, March 25, 2011

fifteen days

We are approaching the one year mark or one year anniversary or whatever you are suppose to call it, of Martin's death. I am in disbelief that it has been a year. I am in disbelief that he is gone. I am in disbelief that the world around me can go on normal and some days it feels like I am not moving at all. Time goes by way too fast. Time. Lost time. Wasted time.  Happy times. Sad times. Oh that word. Time. A pierce in my side.

My anxiety levels are high these days. Senses are heightened. I have no idea what to expect the days leading to April 9th. All I know is what I feel right now and how I felt the days after Martin's accident. Will I feel the same as I did then? It's crazy because we had no idea that Martin was going to die that day. We carried on that day like we were going to see him again. And of course he carried on that day like he was going to see tomorrow. All it took was a few seconds for it all to change. It is so hard to even express in written word my thoughts. Try to stay with me.

So now we are living our new normal. None of us are used to it or even good at it really.

I can't stop or even slow down April 9th from coming. I don't know how I will feel or what we will do that day. I wish I could control my emotions and the thoughts swimming around in my head. But that ain't gonna happen. There is no way to be prepared or brase myself...is there?

I didn't think so.

 

4 comments:

Gina said...

It's going to be hard on Martins Anniversary. No doubt about it. But I know that all of your friends (real and blog-friends) will be thinking of you and sending hugs and prayers your way.

the ref said...

Thank you Gina! You are beautiful!

Bellismom said...

I have had a couple of close friends pass away (so not as close as a sibling but hard none the less) but I have found that when I think about the fact that it really is just a day it's not as hard. By that I mean you that you won't love him or miss him more on that day than you do any other day. Instead of dreading the day and the sadness it may bring I remember that it wasn't just the day they died, it was also the day that they lived. I know everyone deals with things differently but I just thought I was share with you. Hope this helps some!

Sari said...

Oh Jess, I have no idea how your hearts ache, how your hearts are trying to heal from the brokenness, how different time to you is from me..
But I am here. Day or night. But you know this.
And we are here and we will continue to lift each and every one of you up in prayer and ask for comfort that only God can give.

I wish I could take it away sis - sincerely - I wish I could do more..

I love you. I am here.