part of a plan

Are you a planner? Do you keep a calendar filled with color coded phrases on any given day to represent where you will be and what you will be doing? Me too, sort of. I have to. With four children and a husband I need some sense of a plan. Writing things down for me is essential in my world. I am a lover of to do lists. And what joy I get from checking off a task from my to-do list. Feels goooood!

I have a calendar for my own family to keep track of school and church activities, appointments, birthdays and anything else I want to remember. At the same time though, I enjoy spontaneity. Especially when it involves our family. It pretty much comes with the territory of having four children. They themselves are spontaneous, emotional and playful.

Now more than ever before, I often think about the plan for my life. I know I sure don't have it mapped out. But I am confident in the fact that God does. He has a plan. For all of us. He knows every move we make, even before we make it. Not to say that knowing God knows the map for my life makes it any easier to make decisions on my own. No way. In fact, it sometimes makes it more difficult to know what is the right thing to do. What does He want me to do. I mean, in every situation we have a choice. Knowing the choice that God wants us to choose and what is right for our family isn't always plain as day. For example my husband and I have been contemplating taking our three school out of traditional school and start homeschooling them. This would be huge for our family! What a leap of faith! I never in a bazillion years thought I would be considering this for our children. But, nonetheless, it has been heavy on my heart and I needed to pursue researching and praying about it. Is homeschooling in our future? Is it part of our family's plan? How do I know if it is the right schooling for our children? Am I beating a dead horse with all the research and talking to families in our area who already homeschool?

I believe God had a plan for my brother's life. And his death. It continues to be a shock that Martin is dead. It is so final. At least for his life here on this earth. God knew exactly how long Martin would be on this earth. He knew what the events would consist of leading up to Martin's car accident. We were blessed with precious memories and unforgettable photographs.

For those of us aching and longing for one more day with Martin, we must turn to the notion that Martin is safely in the arms of Jesus Christ. And that is exactly where he is supposed to be. For this was the plan for him all along. For me, when I get terribly sad and feel as if nothing will ever be right again, I call out to God for a sign. A sign of His divine plan for my brother and our family. I need that comfort to get out of the depths of despair and go on.

I have moments of doubt and hopelessness. I often think it's just not fair and question God's decision to take Martin. I cry. I feel very alone. I miss him.

Nonetheless, life goes on. Even though my life, as I knew it, came to a screeching halt nearly eight months ago, I must pick myself up and continue on. I have responsibilities to attend to and people who depend on me. I've got to stay focused in my planning for our family and His plan for my own life. I will cling to my faith and my family. I will keep my nose in the Scriptures and my eye's and heart upon Him. I will seek Him first and know that He is the ultimate Planner and I am part of His ultimate plan!

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